How to Approach a Morgan

It has recently come to my attention that many people try to approach me in entirely inappropriate and rather vexing ways. It then occurred to me that it may be because they have never had it explained to them how exactly to approach a Morgan. I have come up with a short and succinct list of, specifically, don’ts to assure a positive experience and establish a rapport with this elusive creature.

1) Morgans are skittish by nature. Don’t come up on them suddenly if you can help it. They may accidentally kick you in the head (very much like but not related to the Morgan horse, actually)
2) Give a Morgan plenty of warning with any plans you may have involving her – preferably one to two months. This is not because Morgans are necessarily booked out that far; more likely it will take them that long to get used to the idea of interacting with people.
3) Morgans do not respond well to pet names like “Sweetheart,” “Honey,” “Darling,” “Sugar plum,” or “Ma’am,” especially if you are a sixty-year-old woman who job shares with a Morgan.
4) Morgans also do not respond well to women like that one stated above who, upon taking the seat Morgan was just sitting in, say, “Oohh…you left it nice and warm for me. Thank you.” (emphasis not mine)
5) If a Morgan does not call you back and you are a close friend, she is probably dead, or so sick she can’t reach the phone. Call 911, or her mother. (Note: if you are one of Morgan’s close friends yet there is an understanding between you that immediate call backs are not necessary, you may not get a call back right away.)
6) If a Morgan does not call you and you are a male trying to date her, do not push her. Morgans get irritated easily in this situation and do not appreciate harassment. If Morgan never calls you back, it’s because you annoyed the shit out of her and she has no desire to speak to you again. Get the hint.
7) If you email Morgan and she does not email you back, that’s because Morgan is like that. Don’t take it personally. (Note: if number #6 above applies to you, replace every call with email in #6 and react accordingly.